Jane Doe walks in. Jane Doe bleached her mustache. You can still see the mustache. It’s very visible. The only thing that can help her is to wax it off. Jane Doe is like a hairy Mary. Jane Doe is on welfare and does not work. She is requesting an Order of Protection against another tenant who she claims is mentally ill. I ask Jane…
Me: “Why haven’t you moved to another apartment?
JD: “Because I told the landlord that she tried to assault me and he has to find me a new apartment.”
I’m not an attorney, but I am not aware of a law that states that the landlord is responsible for finding a tenant a new apartment if there is a crazy living next door. The conversation continues…
Me: “Why can’t you find your own apartment?”
JD: “Because I don’t have any money.”
Me: “So how do you pay for this apartment?”
JD: “I don’t. I live with roommates and they pay for me.”
Me: “Did you apply for public housing or consider going to a shelter?”
JD: “You mean, like the projects?”
Me: “Now, I’m not an attorney, but as far as I’m concerned, the landlord isn’t responsible for finding you a new apartment.”
JD: “But I don’t have any money. I’m in school and don’t work.”
Me: “That’s not the landlords problem. It’s your choice to remain in that apartment. If you don’t like being harassed, move.”
Jane Doe left unhappy. I really wanted to tell her to go back to the landlord, get on her knees and suck him off. Maybe then the landlord would help her. Jane Doe had no shame in telling me that she has no money, does not work, and is on welfare. Obviously the only reason her roommates pay for her living expenses is because she spreads her legs for them and gets on her knees. I wonder, after spending so much time on your knees, how long before you develop an immunity to hardwood floors?